Not Yet

On Super Bowl Sunday, two years ago, Brett and I found out that we were having another baby.

Super exciting. Super scary. Super surprise.

What ensued in the weeks ahead was a lot of soul searching by two scared parents. I knew I wanted something different for our family. Needed something different actually. It was then that Brett and I decided to pursue the option of moving back to Washington, PA - a much smaller town and the place where I grew up. I must take a moment to give Brett a lot of credit here because at this point in our decision there was nothing for me to do. He took it upon himself to acquire his PA law license and eventually his WV license to make himself more marketable. The unfortunate part of all of his hard work was that any job out there didn't change a whole lot about what our life would look like. We couldn't escape a long commute and city "living". In October 2014, with the help of some people that had been "at it" much longer than Brett, he decided to open his own law firm. The Friday night he returned from his WV swearing in, we sat for a long time while he laid out this plan. My initial reaction was obvious - that while this seemed exciting it wasn't something we would not actually consider. The more we talked and the more excitement that I saw in him about this decision, I knew this was it. We had prayed for so long that an opportunity would come. We felt like all we were being told was no. What I came to realize was this was all part of the plan. God hadn't been telling us no, he had been telling us not yet because something bigger and better was on the horizon. Fast forward to today, our family is in the midst of some major changes. Brett is all in, starting his own law firm in small town Washington, PA while I tie up loose ends here and finish out the school year. It' not ideal and it's not exactly how we saw things working out, but again God is simply asking us to be patient and put our faith in him that this is exactly how things are supposed to be.

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Making the best of what isn't

I recently came across this quote:

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

When I say that my family and I are blessed, I believe it with all my heart. But that doesn't mean that things are perfect, far from it actually. For a while now, there have have been "things" that Brett and I have wanted, changes we have wanted to make, and things we wanted to do differently. Some of those "things" have come to fruition and some of them haven't. It's frustrating. Sometimes it just seems as though life isn't what you want it to be and it's easy to get caught up in what isn't and forget about what is. Be it family, friends, jobs, time, money, whatever, I firmly believe that God has a plan in mind, but I have to be honest, there are times I disagree with his plan or don't understand it.

One of the biggest "things" that I have wanted is to be able to be at home with our boys. After Declan was born, I was supposed to go back to work in January, but knew very quickly that I didn't think I could do it. Well, I knew I could do it, I just knew I didn't want to. Brett quickly figured a way for us to make it work and because of him working so hard each and every day I got to stay home and watch our boys grow into brothers for 10 whole months. That is pretty amazing! Unfortunately, that time has come to an end and I will be going back to work soon. This is part of the plan that I disagree with and don't understand, in case You are reading. I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom and I could have never imagined loving it as much as I do.

Going back to work is not the only thing that doesn't seem to be working out like we intended. We have been living in what seems like a temporary state for a while waiting for a change. It has frustrated us and got us down. There have been days that I don't think we enjoyed to the fullest because we wished things were different. I regret that.That quote I mentioned at the beginning spoke to me. It was like a slap in the face that whether things are up or down, this is the life we are given and it is up to us to revel in its beauty each and every day even if that means making the best of a situation that we wish was different. I know this post has been vague because many of the "things" that Brett ave been hoping and praying for personal, but the message is universal. It's time to stop wishing for what isn't and enjoying what is. Because "what is" is really pretty special!

One Year

One whole year has passed since I last posted. It really is a complete coincidence that I sat down today to write and noted that it has been exactly one year. While it seems like little time has passed since I filled this page on thoughts abbout being a mom, so many things in our lives have happened.

We welcomed the birth of our second little boy on October 9. He has filled our hearts to the point that I just don't know if there is room for any more love. And every time I think that, I look at our two little men and I smile and my heart gets fuller.

Declan Anthony

On February 2, we said good bye to our "very special in his own way" dog, Tucker. He had a bad accident and it was the best for everyone that Tucker go to a place that he could finally rest and get some peace.  What a heartbreak we felt saying good bye to our buddy!

While those have been the biggest ups and downs of the past year, so many memories have been made. As a family we have grown and learned more about each other. We have learned to love in different ways, we have learned to look to the future when things in the present get us down. Mostly though we have learned that we have each tother. It sounds so cliche, but I am caught in these moments that seem surreal. I have an almost out of body experinec and it's as if I am an outsider looking in. Watching my husband be a daddy and watching these two little boys play and thinking they simply can't be mine. I couldn't be that lucky. But I am. I am blessed beyond admission and that really is all I can ask for.

A very tired family after a very fun day!

We are in the midst once again of some changes in our house. Blogging has been a wondeful outlet and record holder for me and I hope that perhaps over the next few weeks and months, I can manage to put away some quiet time to reflect on these blessings we have been given because they are so great!

Some mom honesty

To be perfectly honest, I want to be a stay at home mom to my sweet boy Owen and his new little brother who will be arriving sooner than later. Also, to be perfectly honest, staying at home makes me crazy! I think it's a grass is always greener situation, but in case you didn't know, parenting a one year old is hard. Very hard!

For approximately 11 hours, I am the sole caregiver to a very active, very loud, one year old boy. Now don't get me wrong, I love this guy more than I ever thought possible. He makes me smile and laugh and cry all at the same time. Mostly though, he makes me want to be a good mom because I know that he deserves my love and attention and teaching during the day. But again, to be perfectly honest, it's exhausting. We can only run so many errands and plan so many play dates. In the end there are times that we just have to be home and with each other. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's a very difficult thing.

So here's my honesty that might not seem too pretty or something that a lot of moms want to admit. I crave adult interaction and at times, take walks with Owen just to see who might be outside and might want to stop and talk for a few minutes. I plan things for us to do to take up chunks of time during the day. I can't wait until nap time when I get 1 hour (yes, that's all he naps) to sit in peace and quiet. Unfortunately, that's also the one hour that I try to squeeze in a day's worth of chores. I love when he can settle on a toy or an activity and I get a few minutes where he is not demanding my attention. Those are the ugly truths of parenthood.

So how then can I say I would prefer to be at home with him? That's easy. There are tough time and times that I literally have to close my eyes for just a second to regain some patience (like when he touches the same glass door on the bookcase for the 5th time in a row after having a  time out 5 times for doing it); but, when I open my eyes and he is leaning against me kissing my shoulder with his big open mouth, my heart melts. When he walks around the house with his hand to his ear pretending it's a phone having a very loud conversation with who knows who, I laugh. When he feeds me his lunch, I am proud. He is a sweet, lovable, funny, wild little boy who I would prefer to spend my time with over anyone else.

To be honest, I love being a mom. It's the single hardest job I have ever had and it's the single most rewarding job I ever will have.

The big 3-0...

today, i turn 30.

i said it. 

it doesn't bother me. 

i belive that age is nothing but a number.

as i enter this whole new decade it's so fun to look back and see what my 20s gave to me. they gave me my first time away from home at a beautiful college and a chance to make some lifelong friends. they gave me a college degree that allowed me to do what i love; allowed me to offer a gift that i have to children and young adults with special needs. they gave me fun times with my family, both at home and on vacations.
they gave me a trip a to myrtle beach where i was young and wild and free with those lifelong friends and where i met a young man named brett. they gave me a job right out of college where i gained some confidence in my profession even though i made little money. they gave me the chance to watch my "little" brothers grow up (they were 8 and 10 when i entered my 20s and now they're 18 and 20). my 20s gave me a wedding that was more beautiful and memorable than i deserved. i had my mom and dad beside me as well as so many friends and family to watch me marry my best friend. they gave me the chance to leave my family a strong and confident young woman and try my hand at being a wife. they led me to a new home and the opportunity to belong somewhere else, to buy a house and create a home and make new friendships that also will last a  lifetime. they gave me trips between IL and PA to spend time with those i am physically far from, but in my mind we are always together. they gave me 5 years of memories with my husband - doing so many things that we were so blessed to be able to do. they gave me my first baby, lucy, and then another, tucker, who allowed me to figure out how to care for "someone" other than myself. and finally my 20s gave me a son. they gave me the chance to be a mom and parent a sweet little boy right along side that boy i met so many years ago in myrtle beach.

what advice would i give my 20 year old self? absolutely none. the last 10 years of my life have brought me to where i am, and i wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here.

Bittersweet

I can't wait for this weekend! My family will be together again for the first time since June. Ben has been at basic training in Fort Benning for 9 weeks and graduated yesterday. Our whole family is so proud of him!

On Saturday, Scotty starts a new chapter  - college. We all have no doubt he will make the best of it and have a wonderful time. We only hope he remembers why he's there (love you buddy!).

So, we are driving to Dayton early Saturday morning to help scotty move in and spend our first family weekend together in quite a while. It is bittersweet because while I can't wait to see them all, there comes the realization that my "little" (they are both like 9 feet tall) are growing up. Most likely we won't all be under the same roof again until the holidays. I am so proud of both of them in such unique ways. They couldn't be more different, but so special in their own way. Ben has always been known as  gentle giant. He is soft spoken and carries himself with grace. Scott has always been the one with "the personality". He can walk into a room and everyone instantly loves him. They both have so much to offer and will do great things, no doubt!