Our Boys

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Why we didn't tell

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while, but didn't know how to put it into words without perhaps offending someone. Then just this morning, Blue Eyed Bride (probably my most favorite blog) wrote a beautiful post about being a boy mom and it really got me thinking.

Brett and I tried to get pregnant for 7 months. As I have said before, I'm not claiming to have suffered any great getting-pregnant struggle. There are many of you out there that have gone to the moon and back and still don't have that bundle of joy. My heart goes out to those families. But, as a member of a family that has been through infertility (it wasn't planned that there is 10 and 11 years between my brothers and I), I know what a blessing pregnancies that end with a healthy baby are.

So on September 8, 2010, when that test said positive, the only thing left was to pray for a healthy baby, and even at that, we would have loved whatever we were blessed with. From the start I was torn about finding out the gender of the baby. I went back and forth with all of the common pros and cons. It's the only real surprise in your life. Don't find out. It's so much easier to plan if you know. I decided that because it didn't matter to me at all, I didn't care to find out. Brett felt differently and really wanted to know. So like everything in marriage, we compromised.

We found out but made the decision to only tell our immediate family and one friend each. It was hard knowing and not sharing some of those feelings with people, but the bottom line was that it didn't matter. I didn't want this baby already entering into a world of pink or blue. I didn't want the world casting judgement  that "Brett got his boy! Congratulations!" or "Maybe the next one with be a girl, Marissa." I didn't care and neither did Brett. We both had the same fears. Brett confided that he didn't know what to do with a girl and it made him a little nervous, but also admitted that she would be a Daddy's girl forever. I was worried that I didn't know what to do with a boy. I'm not the most athletic and I knew that if we had a boy there would be so many things that Brett would do with him that I would not be a part of or at least on the outside of. Even with those fears, the gender of our baby was the least of our concerns.

Many people had a hard time with our decision and made it their mission to find out. People badgered and asked over and over. People tried to trick us into telling (Brett actually fell for one). It mattered more to everyone else what this baby was than it did to us.

When I think about Owen's future and my relationship with him, I know it will not be the same as it would if he were a girl. It will be different and special in its own way. I want him to be the tough guy who shows a brave face to his teammates and Dad and then comes home and cries on his mom's shoulder because they lost the game.

We hope that there are more babies in our future, but there may not be. If there are, we will love them and open our hearts to a son or a daughter. There's a special relationship between brothers and brothers and sisters just the same.

For now, I just hope that Brett and Owen will let me tag along to the batting cage. I'm really good at packing snacks.


Blue-Eyed Bride said...

what a wonderful post. it made me tear up a bit. i love that you didn't tell. and i totally understand your reasons for it. it's not about everyone else, but they sure do try to make it about them.

and thank you for the sweet comment.

Mama Fee said...

Genius! Love this post. New follower :)

Anonymous said...

Great post. Although we found out the sex of our baby girl and told everyone, we did keep the name a secret from everyone until she was born. Everyone kept asking us for a name. Even when I would open some gifts that could have been engraved or monogrammed, there was always a comment about not knowing the name of our baby girl. We wanted to leave some sort of a surprise for family and friends, and also, we didn't want our name stolen from us like before.

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